Little Z is home from nursery today. He's coughing and not entirely sick but not entirely well. So I kept him home.
All of a sudden the management of my new found freedom comes into sharp focus. What was I thinking when I wondered how to live without a toddler tripping me up?
Thought of the day:
Today, relate most to salmon. They find a way to successfully swim against the current. (Which makes me remember and miss Alaska dearly - the small footprint of earthly heaven).
Wednesday, September 30, 2015
Diary of a Confused Mom: September 29th 2015
Thought of the day:
I am not who I used to be but who I chose to become.
I am not who I used to be but who I chose to become.
Monday, September 28, 2015
Diary of a Confused Mom: September 27th 2015
O surprised me today. He overheard his father and I discussing parenting coaching and workshops and chimed in with "Mommy doesn't need any parenting coaching."
He said it like it was an indisputable truth.
And this is despite the fact that, earlier in the day - due to their behavior and unbearable sinus headaches- I had told them that I was quitting motherhood.
He said it like it was an indisputable truth.
And this is despite the fact that, earlier in the day - due to their behavior and unbearable sinus headaches- I had told them that I was quitting motherhood.
Friday, September 25, 2015
Diary of a Confused Mom: September 24th 2015
Little Z tossed his toothbrush onto the ground after he finished brushing. I asked him to pick it up and put it on the bathroom counter where it belonged.
And, because I have a 10 year old and an 8 year old, I was surprised that -just like that, without discussion or complaint- he complied!
And, because I have a 10 year old and an 8 year old, I was surprised that -just like that, without discussion or complaint- he complied!
Wednesday, September 23, 2015
Diary of a Confused Mom: September 23rd 2015
Today Little Z was literally tugging ad pulling at me to take him to nursery.
I'm delighted he's happy there. I really am. I would have been incredibly miserable if it wasn't a place he felt safe and happy. We both need it and it's a good thing.
But then when my plans with friends this morning got cancelled, I suddenly felt lost. I started thinking about errands I needed to run and reminiscing about how much fun he and I had going to the stores and chattering and singing.
Seriously, what is wrong with me?
I'm suddenly too tired and gloomy to do anything. I'm missing my toddler in the few hours he's away and I think it has just hit me that I need to realize and embrace the fact that I'm going through a transition.
Life with a little more me time. It sounds so desirable and yet I guess it just hit me that I need to adjust to it. To understand it and to re-learn how to navigate it. Life, as a grown up. Yikes!
I'm delighted he's happy there. I really am. I would have been incredibly miserable if it wasn't a place he felt safe and happy. We both need it and it's a good thing.
But then when my plans with friends this morning got cancelled, I suddenly felt lost. I started thinking about errands I needed to run and reminiscing about how much fun he and I had going to the stores and chattering and singing.
Seriously, what is wrong with me?
I'm suddenly too tired and gloomy to do anything. I'm missing my toddler in the few hours he's away and I think it has just hit me that I need to realize and embrace the fact that I'm going through a transition.
Life with a little more me time. It sounds so desirable and yet I guess it just hit me that I need to adjust to it. To understand it and to re-learn how to navigate it. Life, as a grown up. Yikes!
Diary of a Confused Mom: September 22nd 2015
I let Little Z take his nap at nursery today. I showed up at noon and hovered around anticipating his trauma.
Apparently, he just took his blankets and dozed right off. Not a care in the world.
I thought "That's..umm..great."
Or is it? Here I am a supposedly 'seasoned' mom that knows the drill, and yet I'm feeling a little confused. Is he just letting go without a fuss?
I wonder which one of us has the separation issues?
Apparently, he just took his blankets and dozed right off. Not a care in the world.
I thought "That's..umm..great."
Or is it? Here I am a supposedly 'seasoned' mom that knows the drill, and yet I'm feeling a little confused. Is he just letting go without a fuss?
I wonder which one of us has the separation issues?
Saturday, September 19, 2015
Diary of a Confused Mom: September 18th 2015
Little Z is developing his own unique personality.
He will ask to go to nursery now, and ask to wear his gorilla T-shirt.
He takes his little stool and sets it up in front of the fridge (which he can now open - gasp!) and then he starts selecting what he wants.
He reads his little books as he turns the pages.
He tells short stories to narrate our lives in real time.
Now that he can get into any kitchen cabinet, despite the child lock, I have had to rearrange the location of some things - especially my cleaning sprays.
He clearly tells me when he doesn't want something or doesn't want to do something.
He also dictates who gets to strap him in the car seat and who pushes his stroller (if he agrees to get in it).
At the supermarket, it's now a hassle to get him to sit in a shopping cart. He wants to 'walk.' This can mean a quick grocery trip takes forever! The best I have managed is to negotiate sitting in the basket part of the cart. But he will often stand. Today I actually bought him a book so he could 'read' while I picked up some items.
Tonight he kept us up chattering and singing and complaining. I had to repeat the song "Polar bear polar bear what do you hear" based on the Eric Carle book I had bought him earlier (otherwise he throws a fit and at 9:30pm, I give in to any fit - just let me sleep!)
He finally rested on our bedside table saying "I so tired," and fell asleep on its cool glass surface.
He will ask to go to nursery now, and ask to wear his gorilla T-shirt.
He takes his little stool and sets it up in front of the fridge (which he can now open - gasp!) and then he starts selecting what he wants.
He reads his little books as he turns the pages.
He tells short stories to narrate our lives in real time.
Now that he can get into any kitchen cabinet, despite the child lock, I have had to rearrange the location of some things - especially my cleaning sprays.
He clearly tells me when he doesn't want something or doesn't want to do something.
He also dictates who gets to strap him in the car seat and who pushes his stroller (if he agrees to get in it).
At the supermarket, it's now a hassle to get him to sit in a shopping cart. He wants to 'walk.' This can mean a quick grocery trip takes forever! The best I have managed is to negotiate sitting in the basket part of the cart. But he will often stand. Today I actually bought him a book so he could 'read' while I picked up some items.
Tonight he kept us up chattering and singing and complaining. I had to repeat the song "Polar bear polar bear what do you hear" based on the Eric Carle book I had bought him earlier (otherwise he throws a fit and at 9:30pm, I give in to any fit - just let me sleep!)
He finally rested on our bedside table saying "I so tired," and fell asleep on its cool glass surface.
Friday, September 18, 2015
Diary of a Confused Mom: Sepetmber 17th 2015
Today was one of those days, where, as I lay slumped in a lawn chair looking into space instead of watching my older son practice, allowing Little Z to freely mess around on my smart phone, I needed a sign that said "Don't Judge Me!"
Wednesday, September 16, 2015
Diary of a Confused Mom: September 16th 2015
Little Z's favorite thing to do every morning when we drop off his brothers is touch and try to identify the letters on their bus.
Today after he'd finished wiping most of the bus with his hands I asked to look at them. All of a sudden it was like the scene from "Snow White and the 7 Dwarfs" where she asks to look at their little hands and gasped at the sight.
Today after he'd finished wiping most of the bus with his hands I asked to look at them. All of a sudden it was like the scene from "Snow White and the 7 Dwarfs" where she asks to look at their little hands and gasped at the sight.
Monday, September 14, 2015
Diary of a Confused Mom: September 14th 2015
Since Little Z started part time at nursery, he has been chattering even more.
His new phrases are:
"I so hungry" said with lots of emphasis on the 'so.'
And the other day he imitated my morning calls to his brother after the snooze button has already been hit twice: "Third alarm Ca-ca!"
He also goes around asking us "Watcha doin?" Which we all find adorable.
Today was the highlight. He walked in to my bathroom and I immediately realized he needed a diaper change. When I mentioned this to him, he quoted Superwhy (the children's show he watches on PBS:
"Dis a super big pwoblem." :D
His new phrases are:
"I so hungry" said with lots of emphasis on the 'so.'
And the other day he imitated my morning calls to his brother after the snooze button has already been hit twice: "Third alarm Ca-ca!"
He also goes around asking us "Watcha doin?" Which we all find adorable.
Today was the highlight. He walked in to my bathroom and I immediately realized he needed a diaper change. When I mentioned this to him, he quoted Superwhy (the children's show he watches on PBS:
"Dis a super big pwoblem." :D
Sunday, September 13, 2015
Diary of a Confused Mom: September 13th 2015
Today my 8 year old explained to me the true meaning of the lyrics from the song "All About that Bass."
Still registering...
Still registering...
Diary of a Confused Mom: September 12th 2015
O scored a touchdown today. A 75 yard touchdown. It was a huge thrill. :)
Diary of a Confused Mom: September 11th 2015
We have some funny bedtime routines in our household.
I have one who sneaks into bed and is off into dreamland. Simple. As it should be.
Then there's one who, despite being the oldest, still cries to be cuddled and put to sleep.
And then there's the littlest one of all. He has an entire pre-sleep performance. He will sing with his dad, then yell at his dad for singing. When he's finished picking out songs, he will ask for various toys and have his dad get up to get them. Then he chatters away telling random stories. Sometimes I hear screams. It takes about 45 minutes on a typical day, then he sleeps quite happily like nothing just happened.
Then there's the morning routine, where, one by one they come into our bed. It makes me think of the children's song "Ten in the Bed" except it starts with "There were two in the bed and the first child says move over, move over..." and ends with "There are five in the bed and the mommy complains "I'm tired!"
I have one who sneaks into bed and is off into dreamland. Simple. As it should be.
Then there's one who, despite being the oldest, still cries to be cuddled and put to sleep.
And then there's the littlest one of all. He has an entire pre-sleep performance. He will sing with his dad, then yell at his dad for singing. When he's finished picking out songs, he will ask for various toys and have his dad get up to get them. Then he chatters away telling random stories. Sometimes I hear screams. It takes about 45 minutes on a typical day, then he sleeps quite happily like nothing just happened.
Then there's the morning routine, where, one by one they come into our bed. It makes me think of the children's song "Ten in the Bed" except it starts with "There were two in the bed and the first child says move over, move over..." and ends with "There are five in the bed and the mommy complains "I'm tired!"
Thursday, September 10, 2015
Diary of a Confused Mom: September 10th 2015
It still baffles me how telemarketing calls aren't illegal. It must be a crime to invade people's privacy in this way and cause this much stress.
Even though they are automated machine 'callers,' I yell at them in frustration.
I don't even want to get started on junk mail. From the mailbox to the recycling bin. What a waste of so many people's time and effort, especially mine!
Even though they are automated machine 'callers,' I yell at them in frustration.
I don't even want to get started on junk mail. From the mailbox to the recycling bin. What a waste of so many people's time and effort, especially mine!
Diary of a Confused Mom: September 9th 2015
After returning home from T's soccer practice and showering both boys, I set out to make a great (grain-less) dinner and prepare lunchboxes before O and his dad got home from football practice.
As I fried chicken covered in almond meal in one pan, and grilled chicken tenders in another, I also pulled out several ingredient to prepare rice-less sushi. It 's a juggling act in any case but with a hungry 8 year old lurking around and a toddler trying to squash some ingredients and devour others, it was becoming a nightmare.
In an attempt to get them off my back, I asked T to dress Little Z in his pajama. He was reluctant at first but then obliged. I had never realized what a lengthy and detailed process pajama wearing could be.
It was extremely amusing to watch. It took T at least 10 minutes to get his brother dressed. He kept reassuring him throughout - that his face wouldn't remain covered forever, his hands would eventually appear from inside the sleeves and eventually each foot would go through the correct opening.
I had enough time to get most of dinner and the lunchboxes ready without a hassle.
As I fried chicken covered in almond meal in one pan, and grilled chicken tenders in another, I also pulled out several ingredient to prepare rice-less sushi. It 's a juggling act in any case but with a hungry 8 year old lurking around and a toddler trying to squash some ingredients and devour others, it was becoming a nightmare.
In an attempt to get them off my back, I asked T to dress Little Z in his pajama. He was reluctant at first but then obliged. I had never realized what a lengthy and detailed process pajama wearing could be.
It was extremely amusing to watch. It took T at least 10 minutes to get his brother dressed. He kept reassuring him throughout - that his face wouldn't remain covered forever, his hands would eventually appear from inside the sleeves and eventually each foot would go through the correct opening.
I had enough time to get most of dinner and the lunchboxes ready without a hassle.
Tuesday, September 8, 2015
Diary of a Confused Mom: September 7th 2015
I did a quick calculation of how long it takes me to do the bare minimum in terms of housework and obligations like drops offs and pick ups, per week. I spend at least 22 hours a week - a little more than the hours for a part time job - doing the very least I can get away with of these mundane chores.
Something is really wrong here!
In the meantime, Little Z has figured out how to get past the child lock and open our kitchen cabinets. I shudder at the new layer of destruction that inevitably awaits me.
Something is really wrong here!
In the meantime, Little Z has figured out how to get past the child lock and open our kitchen cabinets. I shudder at the new layer of destruction that inevitably awaits me.
Monday, September 7, 2015
Diary of a Confused Mom: September 6th 2015
T threw the game controller violently in one of his anger fits this morning.
It smashed the TV screen.
It smashed the TV screen.
Saturday, September 5, 2015
Diary of a Confused Mom: September 5th 2015
Yesterday, hubby took the kids to Taekwondo but, in the middle of class, he needed to leave to take care of something. So he called me to pick them up.
With half an hour left till their class ended, I decided to first buy the beloved lavender plant I had been eyeing.
As soon as I arrived at the store, I got a panicked call: "Little Z is refusing to leave, so can you come take him now so I can leave?!"
I had a hard time containing my disbelief. If I canceled plans every time Little Z tested out his defiant "no!" I'd probably never go anywhere.
Today, he left Little Z in an aisle and went to the cash register without him.
At Whole Foods! The same place he'd broken an entire carton of eggs in one quick move despite me behind exactly an arm's length away.
I'm guessing there isn't a hint of exaggeration in all those humorous videos of what happens when little ones are left with their dads!
With half an hour left till their class ended, I decided to first buy the beloved lavender plant I had been eyeing.
As soon as I arrived at the store, I got a panicked call: "Little Z is refusing to leave, so can you come take him now so I can leave?!"
I had a hard time containing my disbelief. If I canceled plans every time Little Z tested out his defiant "no!" I'd probably never go anywhere.
Today, he left Little Z in an aisle and went to the cash register without him.
At Whole Foods! The same place he'd broken an entire carton of eggs in one quick move despite me behind exactly an arm's length away.
I'm guessing there isn't a hint of exaggeration in all those humorous videos of what happens when little ones are left with their dads!
Thursday, September 3, 2015
Diary of a Confused Mom: September 2nd 2015
Ever since I started our no wheat low carb meals, I've heard nothing but whining and continuous complaints from O everyday after school. The lunchbox wasn't enough food. He watched friends wolf down pizzas and sandwiches while he sat there deprived. And the lunch I'd just spent the better part of my day preparing was all things he HATED. It's total drain of energy and mood.
This afternoon I was really tired and my legs were aching, but I spent it on my feet diligently working to make substitute 'breaded chicken' with almond meal, while taking care of a cranky toddler who wouldn't nap. I was also in a foul mood over some petty issues I'd had with some petty parents (some people seriously need to grow up and get some manners).
So when O came in and just started to open his mouth with a hint of dissatisfaction, I threw a fit. A full-blown - screaming, slamming doors and refusing to eat with the family - kind of fit.
I was so stressed and exhausted and it was one of those moments where I'd reached the end of my rope. But it stopped him in his tracks. And, at least until now, he's not suggesting I ruined his life by cutting the wheat out of our meals.The two older boys are trying to tip tow around me and show more love and appreciation.
I may have to throw fits more often.
This afternoon I was really tired and my legs were aching, but I spent it on my feet diligently working to make substitute 'breaded chicken' with almond meal, while taking care of a cranky toddler who wouldn't nap. I was also in a foul mood over some petty issues I'd had with some petty parents (some people seriously need to grow up and get some manners).
So when O came in and just started to open his mouth with a hint of dissatisfaction, I threw a fit. A full-blown - screaming, slamming doors and refusing to eat with the family - kind of fit.
I was so stressed and exhausted and it was one of those moments where I'd reached the end of my rope. But it stopped him in his tracks. And, at least until now, he's not suggesting I ruined his life by cutting the wheat out of our meals.The two older boys are trying to tip tow around me and show more love and appreciation.
I may have to throw fits more often.
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