This is absolutely one of my favorite parenting books of all time! I first read it 8 years ago and have read it roughly once a year, every year, since then.In fact, I see it more as a blueprint for effective communication than a parenting book because the skills it outlines are useful when communicating with anyone. The ideas in the book are by no means radically new, but their simplicity and common sense are what makes this such a great - and fairly easy - read.
In each chapter, Faber and Mazlish discuss a communication concept - with discussions and examples from their workshops followed by cartoons illustrating the communication 'skill' learned vs the ineffective way. Each chapter then ends with a quick summary sheet (which proves extremely useful after you've read the book and just want to recap the ideas as you practice them).
The first chapter discussed the simple yet overlooked concept of acknowledging a child's feelings. When a child comes crying to you because they are hurt - either physically or emotionally - it makes the world of difference to just acknowledge their feelings, out loud. This not only helps young children better learn to identify and name their feelings (a crucial skill for emotional intelligence) but to feel safe and understood so they can share more with you and be more willing to contribute to finding a solution.
The chapters that follow are just as invaluable, covering concepts such as describing a situation instead of blaming or nagging, and guiding a child problem solve rather than rushing in with advice. There is even a chapter that discusses the most effective way to praise a child and one about alternatives to punishment.
At first it isn't easy to retrain ourselves to communicate this way (hence my having to reread the book and refresh my memory annually), but with a little diligence it gets easier and works wonders. I know because I've tried it and have seen the amazing results not just with my sons but also with my husband and even siblings and friends. Who doesn't appreciate feeling acknowledged, understood and like they have support yet the freedom to effectively take ownership of their problems?
Faber & Mazlish have many excellent books out, including "Siblings Without Rivalry," "How to Talk So Teens Will Listen & Listen So Teens Will Talk," etc. They are all worth reading as well, but if I were to pick one, at least to start off with, this is the one I would choose. It's a communication skills book that expands way beyond the parent child relationship and these are skills that can easily be translated into adult relationships even in the workplace.
This book is easy to read and follow through, with a clear layout and concepts explained simply and plainly. The hardest part is implementing the new skills and making them a habit. Having said that, ever since I first read this book, I have been extremely passionate about this effective way of communicating and have used it successfully in many areas of my life, whether with my children, students or in adult conversation.
To see all the book reviews I have posted so far please click here.
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